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  • The End of the NRFP

    The End of the NRFP

    By Greg Thelen

    Hello, everybody.  It’s me, the actual writer of all of these joke articles on the NRFP.  I’m sad to say that this is end of the road for the NRFP.  There will be no more stories after now.

    This fake news site started out as an idea to expand the world of Amanda Green, SIA.  Back in 2012, I had big, grand ideas for that comic and how to flesh out that world.  Since Marili Ramirez and I were creating a superhero universe from scratch, a fake news site set within that world seemed like a perfect way to continue that creation without needlessly impeding on the comic.  And the stories were funny, so why the heck not?  It was fun.

    But I was doing this all by myself, and I had to brainstorm 10 ideas to get at least one good idea that made it online.  At first, it seemed like a challenge I could meet.  As time wore on, though, it became clear that not only couldn’t I meet that challenge, I was no longer having fun.  It was at that point, sometime in mid to late 2016, that I decided to end the NRFP.

    Now, Amanda Green, SIA, will continue, probably for many years to come.  And I am planning on beginning a Patreon and doing some things there to flesh out the world of Amanda Green, SIA.  I’m not taking down this website anytime soon, so you can still enjoy any of my goofy stories for the foreseeable future.

    So, this is it.  You may follow me on Twitter and read all of my comics on my website.  Thank you to Marili and Martin Clinch for drawing my weird pictures!  Thank you for reading my goofy stories!

  • Dr. Amazing Frees Scientists from Adhesive Via Alternate Dimension

    Dr. Amazing Frees Scientists from Adhesive Via Alternate Dimension

    By Muffy Borgeron

    The three scientists stuck in the adhesive, KR-1078, for the past several months have finally been freed thanks to Dr. Amazing and an alternate dimension.

    Scientists Carl Michaelson, Denise Detroit, and Margo Doll were caught in an experiment gone wrong several months ago while testing out the new adhesive designated KR-1078.  While being stuck in the adhesive, in awkward, uncomfortable positions, they’ve been cared for by service robots, and they’ve even continued their work, albeit without the use of their hands by and large.  ATOM Labs has been looking for a solution to no success.

    But dealing with the Breach in Los Angeles gave Dr. Amazing an idea.  “Portals,” he said.  “I’ve been having portals to other dimensions on my mind for a while now, and it just clicked.  When I got home from LA, I went right to work on a new gizmo.”

    That gizmo is a handheld device that opens and closes a portal to a pocket dimension with the flip of a switch.  Using this “interdimensional chipper,”Dr. Amazing was able to chip away the adhesive bit by bit.  The only downside is that the process took ten days.

    “It takes an incredible amount of power to open a portal, even of a small size as the chipper,” said Dr. Amazing.  “Add into that opening and closing it over and over again, and I think we’ve used more power in ten days than ATOM Labs uses in a year, and that’s saying something.”

    Regardless, the scientists were grateful to regain partial mobility over the ten days.  Professors Detroit and Doll were able to sit upright finally, and Professor Michaelson was able to use the toilet all by himself again.  While the chipper was able to get the big chunks of the adhesive off, the small chunks could not be removed with any sort of precision.  Since those were on the scientists’ clothes, they were able to simply undress.

    “I’m just so grateful to be able to walk on my own two feet,” said Detroit.  “I’ve never realized how much I could miss walking.”

    “I can’t believe how good it feels to feed myself,” said Doll.  “The robots mean well, but they don’t really understand that chewing takes time.”

    “I’ve never thought I could ever miss toilets in my life, yet here I am,” said Michaelson.

    ATOM Labs has the remnants of KR-1078 is stasis fields as it’s still incredibly sticky.  The floor has been torn up to remove the portions still stuck on the floor, and the rest in the pocket dimension are being closely monitored.  In the meantime, the three scientists have been given the next month off to recuperate.

  • LA Gridlock: The Amazings End the Gridlock with Pocket Dimension But Can’t Close the Breach

    LA Gridlock: The Amazings End the Gridlock with Pocket Dimension But Can’t Close the Breach

    By Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES – After what seems like months of strife, the original Amazings have ended the gridlock that turned the Greater Los Angeles area into a dozens of nations.

    “It was a bit more difficult than I thought,” said Dr. Amazing.  “There were so many vehicles blockading roads and intersections, so we couldn’t just unclog them.  Where would we put the vehicles?  Anywhere we put them would just let the whole thing get reclogged, never mind that we couldn’t lift all of these vehicles just by ourselves.”

    “Then I remembered I had access to pocket dimensions.”

    Just like how they defeated Mother from the Breach, the Amazings defeated LA’s gridlock by stowing all of the cars, trucks, vans, and semis away in a pocket dimension, albeit a one uninhabited by Mother.  Splitting up into teams of two, the Amazings used one of Dr. Amazing’s gizmos to teleport thousands of vehicles into a pocket dimension.  After a day’s work, roughly half of every vehicle on the roads of LA were no longer of this Earth.

    Without half the capacity, traffic was able to finally move.  People were able to head home, but there was still the problem of all the would-be royals in each “nation.”  Luckily, the West Coast Peace Force returned from space to help beat back the bats, Disney Land Overlords, and James Cameron cosplayers.  These communities were damaged to varying degrees, but overall, people were able to return home and reunite with loved ones.

    “It seems like years have passed since I’ve seen my kids,” said Marc Helms of Anaheim, who was stuck in Fredistan for reasons he doesn’t wish to disclose.  “Somehow my kids survived the Disney Land-Knott’s Berry Farm War, and I’m just grateful to be with them.”

    “But I still don’t understand why my backyard is filled with dead bats wearing mouse ears.”

    As for the vehicles in the pocket dimension, they were brought back in stages to our dimension after the traffic had cleared out.  The West Coast Peace Force helped to maintain order, which was easy given that everyone just wanted to go home.

    Unfortunately, the Breach could not be closed, and Dr. Amazing said it might stay open for the foreseeable future.  He will pull in scientists from around the world to close it, but for now, he has only one suggestion for how to deal with it.

    “Just don’t look at it too long,” he said.

  • Michelle Meyers Pleads Guilty to All Charges

    Michelle Meyers Pleads Guilty to All Charges

    By Falco Rockbert

    In a court hearing this morning, Michelle Meyers pleaded guilty to all charges set against her, including kidnapping, conspiracy, and false endangerment.

    Meyers, the former Channel 9 News reporter, pleaded guilty to kidnapping a female associate of Adonis several weeks ago.  She also admitted to hiring 7 supervillains to pretend to capture here so that Adonis would “save” her from them.  Court documents show that Meyers and Adonis had a relationship that went bad some years ago.

    The guilty pleas were part of a plea deal with Meyers and the District Attorney’s office.  The deal was contingent on Meyers cooperating with the NRPD with investigations on the operations of the supervillains she hired and the communication networks she used to hire them.  In return, Meyers would receive a shorter sentence.

    Michelle Meyers will spend the next 20 years in medium-security prison with possibility for parole in 10 years based on good behavior.

    Adonis did not comment on the proceedings.  The Peace Force in a statement said, “We’re all glad this has reached a conclusion.  Adonis is currently out on patrol, and understandably, he has a lot on his mind.  We ask that you please respect his privacy for the time being, and we will not be taking any further questions on this matter.”

  • Martin A. Martian Buys Vegas Casino After False Accusations of Cheating

    Martin A. Martian Buys Vegas Casino After False Accusations of Cheating

    Martin A. Martian

    By Buffy Bolivar

    LAS VEGAS – After an incident last week at the Rio Hotel & Casino that Martian-Americans supposedly cheated at blackjack using their non-existent “Martian powers,” Martin A. Martian, a Martian-American, has bought that casino.

    After oil companies bought their land in North Dakota, many Martian-Americans came to Las Vegas to celebrate, and they won a lot of money at the blackjack tables at the Rio.  The casino became suspicious and had them arrested.  They accused the Martian-Americans of using superpowers to gain an unfair advantage, superpowers that Martians do not possess.

    The charges were dropped two days after they were arrested, and a rather than sue the casino for damages, one Martian-American decided to buy the Rio.

    “I simply saw an opportunity and took it,” said Martin A. Martian.  “And if I get rid of some less than desirable casino owners in the process, then so be it.”

    Martin A. Martian mugshot from Rio arrest a week ago

    Martin A. Martian took his money from the land sale and invested it into the stock market.  He said he studied the stock market and watched the business news channels everyday, keeping tabs on what stocks were trending.  The stocks he invested in happened to soar in the past two weeks, and he was literally worth millions.  When the incident happened at the Rio last week, he stepped in to help his people in a big way.

    “This superpowers nonsense really riled me up,” Martian said.  “We’ve been getting this line ever since we came to this planet, and it’s always meant to demean our accomplishments.  I got that this past week with my investments, like I supposedly had powers to predict the future or read minds.  It’s ridiculous.  Talk to my financial planner, and you’ll see this all above board.”

    “I think we’re just on a lucky streak right now,” said Martian.  “I’m sure we’re going to have a run of bad luck before too long.  That’s just karma.  Which isn’t a superpower we have, either.”

    As for how Martian convinced the Rio’s owners to sell their casino when they weren’t in the market to sell, Martian is keeping that a secret.  “I’m just a good sales-Martian, I suppose,” Martian said.  “Also, millions of dollars and a pending lawsuit backed by the best lawyers money can buy helps.”

    Naturally, this hasn’t dissuaded any human who still thinks they have superpowers.  While nothing substantive has changed in the day-to-day operations of the Rio, attendance has reportedly gone down 10%.  Martian isn’t worried, though.

    “I understand how people are a little worried,” he said.  “But I have some big plans for the future of the Rio, and I think people of all planets will enjoy it.”

  • ’97 Tiger Woods Stuck Here Due to What Present Tiger Did at Augusta National

    ’97 Tiger Woods Stuck Here Due to What Present Tiger Did at Augusta National

    pga

    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – Apparently, the ’97 Tiger Woods is stuck here in the present because of the message Present Tiger snuck to him at Augusta National.

    A couple weeks ago, the “Tiger vs. Tiger” match got underway at the famous Augusta National golf course, and the widely advertised event drew in millions of views and billions of dollars.  The match was set up to prevent each Tiger from meeting each other.  As the match progressed, ’97 Tiger was winning by a wide margin, and Present Tiger became frustrated.  He broke away from his security guards and threw his club at ’97 Tiger before being tackled by security guards.

    ’97 Tiger kept that club, and it had a message inscribed on it.  Reportedly, the message involves a date and some letters, but the significance of the message is unknown.  But, apparently, it meant something to the younger Tiger.

    “And now he can’t go back,” said Dr. Amazing in a press conference.  “I don’t know how this happened.  In all my years of time travel, gaining future knowledge has never prevented a time traveler from going back in time.  Actually, with time travel, terms like ‘past,’ ‘present,’ and ‘future’ don’t really have much meaning as everything is relative to the traveler in question, but regardless, this is new to me!  Which is exciting, for me, the scientist.  It’s probably not as exciting to the Woodses.  Or to the fabric of spacetime.”

    Somehow, the message prevented ’97 Tiger from returning to the past, but equally puzzling, his unableness to return to his timeline hasn’t affected our timeline.  We think.

    “That’s another funny thing about time travel,” said Dr. Amazing.  “If you’re not the time traveler or in some sort of time bubble, you never realize that the timeline has been reset.  You just don’t experience it because you’re part of the timeline, so you have always experienced the timeline as it was.  We’ve all been part of several alternate timelines over the years, but we only remember this one we’re in now.  So if the ’97 Tiger can’t go home, as it were, then maybe this is just how our timeline is supposed to be going forward.  Or not!”

    Everyone in the press conference was mighty confused.

    Regardless, the ’97 Tiger doesn’t seem to know the significance of the message, and Present Tiger isn’t responding to questions about the message.  So for now, the Tiger Woods of the year 1997 is stuck in the present.  The PGA will likely add him to the tour.

  • Project INFINITY Returns Home Early, Surprising Everyone

    Project INFINITY Returns Home Early, Surprising Everyone

    infinityweb

    By Chase Chapley

    Surprising everyone at ATOM Labs, the Project INFINITY team returned home early after a string of terrible alternate dimensions with the final straw being a world where Donald Trump was elected President of the United States.

    Project INFINITY was scheduled to return in another three months after exploring 100 alternate dimensions.  The New Romford Free Press has been running pieces from Tarani Kapoor’s journal about their experiences.  But the team returned yesterday after only exploring 58 dimensions.

    “Some of the worlds were more difficult than we anticipated,” said Kapoor in a press conference this morning.  “Our team was equipped to handle most of what we encountered, but we did not anticipate dimension 54, which was a world of near-constant acid rain.  In retrospect, we should’ve made all of our equipment acid-proof.”

    “Having lost much of our equipment to the acid,” she continued, “traversing dimensions 55, 56, and 57 was a journey of attrition.  55 was filled with giants, 56 landed us in the ocean somehow, and 57 was covered in lava.  It took all of our might and willpower to survive those dimensions, and many of us were injured.  Then, we entered dimension 58.”

    “Dimension 58 was a world much like our own, so we were naturally grateful not to be drowning or on fire,” said Kapoor.  “It gave us time to catch our breath, but we had entered a United States that was in the midst of an election, and the people of that word had, beyond all belief, elected Donald Trump to be their President.”

    Kapoor went on to describe how this believed his convoluted statements, conspiracy theories, and baseless claims.  This world also was on the verge of electing Hillary Clinton as their President and that she somehow lost even though she won 2 million more votes.  (They apparently still used the Electoral College.)  Half this America believed global warming to be a hoax, wanted to build a wall along the Mexican border, and wanted to register Muslims on a government watch list.

    “And they had no superheroes,” said Kapoor.  “After that, we were done.  That was it.  My team had been demoralized, and I made the executive decision to abort the mission.”

    But not everyone returned home.  The twin superhumans, Mike and Jennifer Laramie, decided to stay in dimension 58.

    “They wanted to, quote, fix things, end quote,” said Kapoor.  “I was not going to argue with them on that.”